Saturday, June 23, 2012

Good, Bad, Worst

I went to the Thursday night show at ComedySportz Provo this week. They do something different every Thursday and this time it was the sketch comedy stylings of the Oppressive Comic Dynasty (OCD for short). It was their second show and they've really hit their stride. The writing is solid, the comic timing was impeccable and I had an amazing time. I've even seen the sketches before when they let me stay after practice to watch one night. Even with knowing some of the punchlines ahead of time I couldn't keep myself from laughing obnoxiously loud. It was one of those shows that feels magic. Everyone was on, the energy was great, and afterward all I wanted to do was recap all of my favorite parts......which makes me even more sad that there was one moment that made me uncomfortable.

Let me clarify that it had nothing to do with any of the performers. What happened was, between some of the sketches some of the performers would come out and do a short improv game. One of the games they played is called "Good, Bad, Worst." They get an advice question from the audience and one of the players gives good advice, the next gives bad advice, and the last guy gives the worst advice. For the second question an audience volunteer put on his douche-hat and asked a dumb question that he obviously thought was really clever and hilarious. He said (gesturing to the person who'd asked the question before him), "Dude,* it sounds like my friend over here is a little gay. How do I tell them that I don't agree with that?"

I thought the performers would have called him out, but they seemed to be uncomfortable too. In the end, the answers were awkward, and that douche got out of it without being reprimanded. When the show was over, I let it fester. All I could think about was what I wanted to say to that guy. So I've put together my own good, bad, and worst answers. But I decided to reverse the order so I could end this post on a good note. So, here is my answer to the question, "How do I tell someone that I don't agree with their gay-ness?" As asked by the douchiest guy in the room.


By virtue of the fact that you are a white, heterosexual male, your opinions are important and people care about what you think. Don't be shy. Shout about your homophobia from the rooftops. But why stop at the gays? All of your opinions deserve expression. Do you like your bitch in the kitchen? Tell her so. Does it bother you that people from other countries don't speak God's American English when they're here? Call them dirty Mexicans and joke about how much they like tacos and raping white women. After all, it's been scientifically proven that racism, sexism, and any other inequality stuff doesn't exist anymore, because Democracy, right? Everyone will think it's funny and anyone who takes offense just doesn't have a good sense of humor like you do.You're entitled to your opinion, except more so than other people because like I said before, you're a white, heterosexual male. Your opinion on homosexuality doesn't make you seem like a culturally insensitive rube at all. You know best, and women and minorities will recognize that immediately. And hey, who knows, people like Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson got famous sharing whatever diarrhea of the brain that occurred to them. People love those guys.


So, you want to tell your friend that you don't think it's right that they're gay. First of all, keep in mind that if you don't breach the subject with the right level of disgust and/or self-righteousness, your friend might think that you're gay and try to kiss you or something. A good way to start talking about it is to bring up that it's a sin. The Bible says so. Yeah, sure, there's only one verse in it that says gays should be stoned or something and a few hundred that say God loves everyone, but you're a detail-oriented guy. It says so on your resume. Your gay friend may argue that the over-arching theme of  Jesus' life was that everyone (especially the most down-trodden) are loved and should love each other as he loves us. What the Bible forgets to mention is that this doesn't apply to the gays. Anyone who disagrees is just trying to recruit you to the gay lifestyle (which is similar to a normal lifestyle except there's lots of glitter and everyone has AIDS). The gay person you're talking to probably doesn't even realize that they're going to go to hell. Make sure you let them know. Also, it's obvious that they haven't been praying hard enough. Reiterate this as many times as it takes for them to become un-gayed.


Mind your own damn business. If you think for one second that your gay friend hasn't heard the barrage of ignorance, stupidity, hypocrisy and hate you're lovingly about to shovel down their throats, you're even dumber than you look. If you think for one minute they haven't already tried desperately to become "normal" based on what many religions and hetero-normative media deem acceptable you might just be incapable of empathy. You have no idea what they may be going through or reconciling, what they've dealt with in the past or how they feel about themselves. You are a bad friend if you cram your beliefs down their throat. You are not the morality police. Live and let live by minding your own business and keeping your hurtful mouth shut.

Alright, now that that's done, I'm officially stepping off of my high horse of soap boxes. I said I wanted to end this post on a good note and the first thing I thought of was the BYU "It Gets Better" video. Just a warning to those who haven't seen it: you might want to make sure the Kleenex is close by before you press play.

*I added the "Dude" for effect. I can't recall if he actually said this word or not, but I included it because I think it conveys his tone so perfectly.

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